“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude. – Martin Luther King Jr.

A good friend of mine shared a remarkable article with me today. I am having a difficult time writing this because the subject hits so close to home. As a survivor myself, I find this woman’s response and her story even more poignant and impactful. My ideas about restoration and transformation were also forged in the fires of experience. I too had to learn that forgiveness is not earned but given.

The article opens with this:

The mother who was sexually assaulted at gunpoint in front of her children while cross-country skiing last week in a south Minneapolis park has a message for her neighbors:

Come out this week, she wrote Sunday on an online neighborhood site, to celebrate the Powderhorn Park area where the attack took place and help residents take back the neighborhood, which has seen several acts of violence this month.

“Celebrate our riches,” the unidentified 45-year-old woman, who signed her statement “The ‘Mother’ in the News,” wrote in support of organizers putting together two gatherings this week.

Take a moment to let this sink in for you. Think about the courage that it takes for this woman to share her experience with her community in this way just a couple of days after her rape.

“We survived,” she wrote of her ordeal. “We’re blessed with an abundance of support and love. … Wow, what a great neighborhood we live in.”

Last week, four teenage boys were arrested on suspicion of having sexually attacked her in the park and, in a separate assault, two teenage girls in a nearby garage.

Earlier this month, a 12-year-old girl standing on her porch in the Powderhorn neighborhood was shot in the neck and possibly paralyzed for life.

Those crimes prompted residents and members of the Powderhorn Park Neighborhood Association to plan a rally this Wednesday and a brainstorming session Thursday, to make the area safer.

From Just Seeds Artists' Cooperative - Critical Resistance

Whenever people complain to me about the injustice of the current criminal legal system, I always respond that the only way that we are going to change this is by acting locally. Here is a perfect example of a community coming together in the face of real violence and tragedy to reconnect with each other and to think about collective ways to ensure safety for themselves and their neighbors. I am certain that there are hundreds of similar examples that take place every day in communities across the U.S. Unfortunately, these are never featured in the press. This is what makes this particular case so remarkable.

Instead of grief and outrage, participants have been asked to “bring music, art, puppets, laughter, hope and food,” Priesmeyer wrote in an e-mail announcing the gathering.

That sentiment was echoed by the mother, who was cross-country skiing with her 10-year-old son and 13-year-old daughter when they were accosted.

“I would love it if people came out to sing, dance, ski, sled, play Frisbee,” the mother wrote in her posting. “Let’s make it a celebration of our community and our park.”

The four arrested boys — from 14 to 16 years old — are also being held in the sexual attacks on the girls who were attacked after the assault on the woman. The suspects are likely to face charges that include rape, aggravated robbery and false imprisonment, police said.

Four boys ages 14 to 16 years old… Their lives are now forever altered. How would you react to this situation? How would you channel your understandable anger and grief at the perpetrators of this violence? Here’s how the woman who was assaulted responded:

“I want to tell you that my children and I are doing quite well,” she wrote, “considering that we had a gun held to our chests only three days ago.”

She said she and her family are forgiving of the suspects, not much older than her children. “I guess I might fall into despair, hopelessness and hatred sometime along my healing journey, but I can honestly say I don’t experience them right now,” she wrote. “My spiritual practices ground me in love and possibility.”

She noted that on Thanksgiving Day, the day after the attack, her son told her how he felt sorry for their assailants because they were in jail and would not be able to have the kind of fun life he has now.

“I’m pretty amazed at his compassion and understanding,” she wrote. “I have a lot to learn from my kids about staying in touch with what really matters in life. We sure got a profound lesson in having gratitude for just being alive.

It is hard to continue to write as my eyes fill with tears. I was told years ago that to forgive is not for others but for oneself. This seems to be a sentiment embodied in the response of this woman and her family. I remember being consumed with anger and hatred after my own assault. And yet I was the one who ultimately suffered with those emotions. I know that there are many examples of cruelty in the world. I am not naive or pollyannish. But in this story, we also see human beings’ incredible capacity for forgiveness and compassion. These acts of compassion often go unnoticed. They should not. They need to be underscored and promoted.

I wrote about Desmond Tutu last week. He has written that “at times of despair, we must learn to see with new eyes.” I think that this is what this woman must be doing. “Seeing with new eyes.” He has also written that:

“Forgiveness gives us the capacity to make a new start…And forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew…In the act of forgiveness we are declaring our faith in the future of a relationship and in the capacity of the wrongdoer to change.”

Contrary to popular belief, this is not about martyrdom but about survival. I know that my own ability to forgive freed me to move forward. This is the promise of restorative and transformative justice. It isn’t something one gets from the traditional criminal legal approach to addressing violence and crime.

I opened by quoting Martin Luther King Jr. and will close with some more words from him:

“If I hit you and you hit me, and I hit you back and you hit me back, and go on, you see, that goes on ad infinitum. It just never ends. Somewhere somebody must have a little sense, and that’s the strong person. The strong person is the person who can cut off the chain of hate, the chain of evil.”

This woman is the strong person. Please take the time to read the entire article. I promise that you will not regret it.

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  By Gretchen Chandler, November 30, 2010 @ 7:58 pm

  Plan a “peace vigil?” Grow up and smell the reality. Promote carrying handguns. If another human being tried to sexually assault me in Powderhorn Park, I would shoot him right between the eyes, without any hesitation. In fact, it would be muscle-memory instinct. This is called self-defense, common sense, and most importantly, it’s called “deterrence.” If this mother had defended herself and her daughters in this mannner, how many more thugs would think twice about preying on women in Powerderhorn Park? You already know the answer: zero. It’s called “deterrence.” Spread it around and fire it up. It’s the only way to return this utopian winter wonderland back to how it was meant to be.
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  By prison culture, November 30, 2010 @ 8:42 pm

  thanks for your comment. I appreciate having divergent views represented. Peace to you.

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