I have received many e-mails over the past couple of years as I have been writing here. Several of these have been from the children of incarcerated parents. I have never published their e-mails because they have been so personal and often emotionally raw. I have also not wanted ask for permission to share them on the blog. The e-mails have felt private.

Some children of the incarcerated (at least the ones who have reached out to me) seem to live difficult lives. One particular young woman and I have struck up an e-mail pen pal relationship. She has struggled to move past the hurt and harm caused by her father’s estrangement. He has been locked up for most of her life. She is dealing with unresolved anger and grief from his absence. Yet at the same time, it seems to me that he actually occupies an outsized space in her world too. She thinks of him constantly. She feels a lot of rage. This idea of the gaping hole that can be left in a child’s life when he or she has an incarcerated parent is well illustrated by Tupac’s “Papa’s Song.” The accompanying video paints a searing portrait of how the absence of a father through incarceration can negatively impact a child’s life.

A few weeks ago, I invited my friend Randy who is locked up in Indiana to share his thoughts about how he feels about his own estrangement from his daughter. He has not seen her for a number of years. Her mother had good reason to keep her away from him because of his repeated troubles. Randy kindly wrote a letter specifically to my e-mail pen pal and he also wrote a letter to his own daughter too. I wanted to share that letter in the hopes that it might provide some solace to other daughters with an incarcerated father.

To My Daughter,

It has been years since the night my poor judgement removed me from your life. In an instant, my lack of discipline and commonsense, cost you the life every little girl is entitled to, to have a loving, caring father by their side to guide and protect them as they go through life. My actions caused you to have to pay the price for my wrong doings. That’s not fair, and I am so very sorry.

I am sorry I wasn’t there to teach you the things I should have taught you. How to ride a bike, shoot a basket or fly a kite. I wasn’t there to help you learn to read and write, take you trick-or-treating, cook with you, play with you, or to comfort you when you were sad. I missed your first day of school, your first dance and too many birthdays and Christmases to ever make-up for. I’ve missed all the things that make you who you are, and I am so very sorry for that.

I would give anything to go back and be the father I should have been for you. I would pay any price to ease the pain I’ve caused you the slightest bit. I would do anything for one more chance to be the father I wish I was ans that you deserve to have.

One thing that I hope you know and will always remember, is none of this is your fault. You are the best part of my life, even though I’m not a part of yours now. You are a wonderful little girl and you will grow into a wonderful woman. You will have a wonderful life and hopefully have wonderful children of your own.

You are my every thought, my reason for the change I’m finally beginning to make. Please know that I love you with every ounce of my heart. You are my world.

Love,

Dad