Nas’s new single and video “Daughters” prompts me to write again about hip hop’s stand by your man in prison "problem." In a post that I wrote a couple of years ago, I suggested that young women (in their teens) who have a partner in prison should be afforded the space to make an actual CHOICE about whether they want to stay or leave the relationship. My point was that societal pressure, whether it comes from hip hop culture or somewhere else, should not constrain young women’s ability to decide for themselves what is right for them.

I have ALWAYS been a fan of Nas since my own teenage years and it is wonderful to see the way that he has been able to grow with hip hop and to produce “grown-up” rap music. I put out the call on Facebook for some friends to respond to the song and video. I quote here from Jasson Perez of the excellent Chicago-based hip hop group BBU who I think captures the essence of the song:

…what i like about it the most is him thinking out loud, not having simple answers and recognizing his own contradictions and sometimes real failures. More than anything else though it’s so rare to see any rap videos that center raising children in unromantic lenses. Here Nas seems to really be speaking to the good and the bad [of] parenting but putting primacy on “just being there” for your kid. Even through the failures as a parent or if you feel let down by the decision your kids make. And on top of that to look at your own behavior as a parent and not just hold your kid in contempt.

Jasson did a wonderful job of addressing the overarching themes of “Daughters” both as a song and as a video. Here’s what I would add…

I have a personal passion for supporting and mentoring young women of color. Over the years, I have co-founded organizations and projects dedicated to girls’ empowerment and healthy development. When Nas raps these lyrics, he is articulating the contradictions that many of us who love and support girls and young women feel when we learn that they are in a relationship with someone who is incarcerated:

I saw my daughter send a letter to some boy her age
Who locked up, first I regretted it then caught my rage, like
How could I not protect her from this awful phase?

Nas quickly calls himself out for being hypocritical in his concern for his daughter specifically because he himself helped glorify and glamorize ganster/thug life. In addition, he loves his daughter and wants to support her in her decisions:

She heard stories of her daddy thuggin’
So if her husband is a gangster can’t be mad, I love her

Nas then tries to offer some advice to his daughter about how to handle her relationship with her incarcerated boyfriend:

Never, for her I want better, homie in jail- dead that
Wait till he come home, you can see where his head’s at
Niggas got game, they be tryna live

In other words, wait until he gets out and you get to know him better before you make a decision to fully commit to him. Nas points out that her boyfriend is likely aware that she comes from a privileged background and he might be looking to capitalize on her wealth. This is all hard stuff. If you are a black parent or adult mentor, it is likely that you have had some version of this conversation with a young woman.

The post that I wrote about hip hop culture and the stand by your man in prison “problem” a couple of years ago generated a number of e-mails. Some were focused on young women sharing their own stories of their struggles with their incarcerated partner. Others took me to task for being “judgmental” about the choices that young women make. I published one response from a young woman and I also published a response that I sent to a particularly pissed off young woman who felt that I was condemning her choice to stick with her incarcerated partner. In the post, I prefaced my comments to that young woman with these words:

My initial foray into this topic was actually a response to my sense that many young women that I interact with actually feel that they have NO CHOICE but to stay or risk being labeled as disloyal or worse. The young women that I have spoken to about this issue talk to me about the emotional and mental stress that they feel once their partners are locked up. This has to be underscored. They have spoken of the financial stress that they experience, yes. However most of the conversations have revolved around their inner conflicts of whether they should stay in the relationship or move on.

Several educator friends have asked me for resources that they can use to engage young women in discussions about the specific impact of the PIC on their lives. One way that young women can be impacted by the PIC is obviously through the incarceration of a partner as I have been discussing in this post. I usually recommend that my teacher friends consider starting an afterschool book group for young women. I suggest that they can select a couple of books that I have used to great effect in my work with young women: The Prisoner’s Wife by Asha Bandele and Upstate by Kalisha Buckhanon. The themes of love, loss, grief and resilience are all wonderfully expressed in these books. The first book “The Prisoner’s Wife” is a memoir and the second “Upstate” is a novel. I have had wonderful conversations with young women about the impact of prison on their lives using these books. I have a four-session curriculum for engaging in a discussion about Upstate that I am happy to share with others who might be interested. If you work with young women who are impacted by the PIC and would like a copy of the curriculum, feel free to e-mail me at [email protected]. I am happy to share the resource with those who might find it useful.